


Oh God Not Minecraft

by InsaneWeasel



Category: Mianite - Fandom, Sugar Pine 7 RPF
Genre: Crack, Gen, Not Serious, SP7 in Mianite AU, narration, typical SP7 antics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-16
Updated: 2019-01-16
Packaged: 2019-10-11 01:44:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,805
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17437523
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InsaneWeasel/pseuds/InsaneWeasel
Summary: Crack:Steven Suptic hates Minecraft and being known as mlghwnt and Jordan lets him down as his one-percent friend.





	Oh God Not Minecraft

**Author's Note:**

> I just wanted to draw them as what gods they would follow and yanno. This is a character exploration with some of the most...characters.

_ I was recently invited to a party by my one-percent friend. I was ecstatic, until I found out the invitation went out to all my friends and coworkers. Then I was just filled with disappointment and knowing. Clearly, Jordan invited just me and then reconsidered when he realized how thoughtful of a person I would be who would decline because I care about my poor friends.  _   
  
_ The day was here, and I arrived at the office to meet up with everyone.  _ __   
__   
_ And of course, it was empty--except for one... _   
  
"It's me! Stevie! Did you miss me, papa!"    
  
_ It was Alfredo.  _   
  
"Where is my beautiful fat-ass, Autumn? I want to tickle her nose!"    
  
_ I was disgusted. Upon further investigation, I found someone else at the office. And most of Rooster Teeth, but they weren’t confirmed to be real. Corporates are never real. It was Vickie and she looked glad to see me.  _   
  
Vickie let out a choked cough as she swallowed the food she had been eating with force. Steve had startled her from where she had been editing absently with headphones in. With everyone gone she had been pretty relaxed.    
  
"Steve? I thought you went to that party."   
  
Steve rubbed the back of his neck and stood up to his full giraffe height.    
  
"I um...thought...we were all meeting here. Cib needed a ride..."    
  
"James gave him it?" Vickie said off-handed in an unsure tone. "l think they all met at the—Jordan's place."    
  
_ I hoped Vickie was lying to me to keep me here out of her obvious loneliness. But that, would be too likely. Alfredo was hovering nearby—I wasn't aware he could hover.  _ __   
  
"Jordaaan? My small midget of a hulking man didn't invite me?"    
  
_ I didn't care.  _ __   
__   
"Oh yeah, guess that sucks."    
  
_ I headed over to Jordan's house, but I was going to be late, because the traffic was unbearable. I had planned to be fashionably late, but arrive before my coworkers by stalling them at the office, but now, I had to come last. Something I didn't do often.  _ __   
__   
_ I also had to bring Alfredo along. I wasn't sure if it was a gun or an anger boner in his pants, but that was not my problem; it was Jordan's. Sometimes, I think of his cars and feel similar to Alfredo's current vibrating state.  _ __   
__   
"I want to kill him with kindness and then sacrifice him to my gods," Alfredo remarked.    
  
"Sounds nice."    
  
"Steeeeven, tell me Autumn would never hurt me like this! My soft juicy tender pussing heart can't take it!"    
  
"Sure, man."    
  
"Steven could we ever be...daddy and son?"    
  
"Nope."    
  
_ Alfredo wouldn’t shut-up and I just wanted to be at the party. I had been in a bit of a sour mood and hoped Jordan's party could make me feel like the rich, well-loved, famous white-guy I knew I was. _ __   
  
The car pulled to a halt outside of Jordan's house where most reasonable parking space had been taken. Steve parked too close to someone's drive-way, but he didn't notice because he was already walking off.    
  
_ Something was off . _ __   
__   
_ Who threw a party in the middle of the day?  _ __   
  
Steve rang the doorbell repeatedly, tapping his foot impatiently. He was greeted by a concerned looking Jordan minutes later. Over his shoulder, Jordan eyed Alfredo and a look of trepidation crossed his face.   
  
"Look, party's canceled. Something kind of went wrong."   
  
"Movie asidie, bitch," Alfredo shoved past Jordan who let him through. Steve followed behind Alfredo using his wake as his ticket in. The lack of traditional 'party' materials annoyed him.   
  
_ The lack of traditional party things annoyed me.  _ __   
  
Jordan sighed and rubbed his temples in frustration. "Okay--please do not go any further. There's some sort of--"   
  
Steve didn't pay attention. He kept walking further into Jordan's house, judging his decorations. Alfredo was shooting metaphorical daggers at Jordan who was seemed ill.   
  
_ Shitty party. Lame. Maybe he's giving out rich people shit--I mean, fellow tokens to another 1%.  _ __   
  
Flashing lights from the basement caught Steve's attention. "Cool."   
  
_ Jordan had been trying to get rid of me. He saw me as alpha male competition. _ __   
__   
"Nononono. Do not--Steve, trust me--" __   
  
"Whatever, joke's over. I'm going to go see if Cib didn't piss all over your floor," Steve commented and started down the stairs.   
  
Alfredo looked between Jordan and Steve. Jordan said nothing. "You little bitch aren't going to beg me to stay here after everything I've done for us!"   
  
"I...stay?" Jordan questioned.   
  
"We are through, Jar-DONE!" And with that Alfredo followed Steve down the stairs. As they made it down the strange light engulfed them and with a sudden flash disappeared. Jordan's phone-alert went off. He had a gym workout with his personal trainer he needed to leave for right now.   
  
He eyed the basement. He considered what had happened to make about 10 people vanish entirely.    
  
Jordan went and got his car keys and went to the gym.   
  
...   
  
_ I was tripping balls. Or worse. My old nightmares had come back to haunt me. Alyssa was a ghost. A memory of a life that could be. _ __   
__   
_ I was in the worst hell imaginable. _ __   
__   
_ I was in, Minecraft. _ __   
  
"Oh hey, Steve's here!" Cib said, vape in hand. "The party was waiting on you!"   
  
_ It was Cib and James, and I was having Vietnam flashbacks. I could feel the sensation, the dread. The mlghwnt name-tag likely hovering over me. _ __   
  
James lowered Cib's hand with the vape. "We are too fucked up on acid to vape. Steve--we got separated from everyone. Where the fuck are we?"   
  
_ Minecraft.  _   
  
"Minecraft..." Steve gasped in horror.   
  
James looked confused and Cib looked stoked. "Alright! I haven't played in awhile! What updates were the ones with gods added in?"   
  
"Gods?" James questioned but let it drop in favor of. "I'm sober--what the fuck did we take?"   
  
Cib took a hit on the vape. "Mmmm...pussy?"   
  
Steve snapped out of his shock. "Are we...oh god...James tell me you spiked my drink last night."   
  
James guffawed. "Spiked yours? More like you spiked mine, man."   
  
"Hey, guys that old dude can fly," Cib muttered staring into the distance.    
  
"Spiked your drink? You didn't even have one!" Steve argued.   
  
"Well I wouldn't put it past you to spike my spit."    
  
"What's Mianite?"   
  
"Spike your spit? Oh please, I tried before and we know how that turned out!"   
  
"What's tp mean?"   
  
"Steve, you're looking pretty suspicious right now considering you got here last and--"   
  
The three were teleported. It was a circular chamber with three pathways branching off, ominous lighting, and a mystical voice. Cib took another hit on his vape, the vapor tangling with the smoke.    
  
**"Consider your morals and pick a side."** ****  
  
"Well, Steve doesn't have any--" James muttered.   
  
"Oh shut up," Steve cut him off.    
  
_ I was too upset at James to focus on Minecraft. I had already forgotten why I was upset at James, but every time I saw his face I felt encouraged to get angrier.  _ __   
__   
**"Perhaps, an explanation:** ****  
****  
**Mianite: Justice--"** ****  
  
Steve found his attention and turned to look at the approximate direction of the phantom voice. "This is that dumb series Jordan did. He's the real bitch that put us in this situation!"    
  
James thought about it and agreed. "Yeah, yanno what. Fuck that guy."   
  
"Yeah, whatever team he wasn't on."   
  
**"....Dianite or Mianite?"** ****  
  
"I guess the second one? What did the gods mean again?"    
  
**"Dianite: Chaos, battle--"** ****  
  
"Yeah, whatever. I'm just going.to choose the second one," Steve decided. "James, same team?"   
  
James thought about it. "I don't know, what if you chose the lame one."   
  
Cib watched them, but made no comment of his own. He was too entranced with the curling smoke. It reminded him of his vape which he began to miss dearly. Steve shrugged.   
  
"It's minecraft; they're all lame."   
  
"What's Miami represent again?"   
  
**"Mianite: Justice, lawfulness--"** ****  
  
"Nah, fuck that. Team Dianite, baby," James decided.   
  
_ I was betrayed. My closest friends turned against me. _ __   
  
"What team should I be? Guys?" Cib questioned. He blew vapor out and looked at the pathways.   
  
Neither James nor Steve heard him. He glanced at Steve near one and James near another. "I guess I'll just do this one? I kinda have to pee. Do these lead to restrooms?" Cib gestured toward the violet hallway. His friends had begun to argue and so Cib meandered down the hall.   
  
**"And so it begin--"**   
  
"Would you just shut up, you're ruining my narration. Jesus fucking Christ," Steve grumbled.    
  
_ I was going to get revenge on James. And then on Jordan. And then on Vickie, for not trying harder to keep me at the office.  _ __   
__   
...   
  
Parker looked so relieved to see a familiar face. "Cib! Oh thank god! No one wanted to choose this team and I thought I would be the only one! Balance Bros!"   
  
Cib looked at him blankly. Then, with a moment of clarity. "Oh hey, Parker."   
  
...   
  
Autumn stood before the looming shadows. Undeterred. Her headphones still in. Quietly, Bruce followed her still holding a water bottle had gotten from Jordan. He hadn't yet really understood anything that happened and was glad to just let Autumn lead. He was too busy thinking about how this was a mistake and he should have stayed at the office.    
  
As he worried about the state of the office, Autumn turned to him. Headphones off. "So should we?"   
  
"Sorry, what?"   
  
"Join this group?" She gestured to the shadows. Bruce nodded absently.    
  
"Yeah, if that's what you want. Is this like a team activity party-game? As long as we're not on the same team as Cib, James, or Steve."   
  
"We're not."   
  
"Good to hear."   
  
...   
  
Jamie was frightened out of his mind. Mimi and Natalie were steering the expedition forth as they came across a three pathed road urging them to choose something based on morals. He had stopped to adjust his shorts because he was getting a wedgie and when he looked up they were gone. He thought they went down the blue one, or was it the purple one, or the red one.   
  
Too terrified to chance it. Jamie stayed in place.   
  
...   
  
The three gods--in rare spirit--were gathered together to ogle at the worst thing they had seen since their conception.   
  
"What is it?" Ianite questioned.   
  
Dianite had his hand on his chin, brows creased. "It looks like an enderman fucked a chicken, pig, and Mianite and it created a child more ugly than anyone thought possible."   
  
Mianite shot him a glower. "Perfect for you then, brother. It'll look right at home."   
  
"Stop it," Ianite commanded. "It's sentient."   
  
"We should kill it," Mianite remarked.   
  
"I have a feeling it's not that easy."   
  
And in a surprising divine awareness, the creature spoke to them. "I could crush your nipples like peas under my eyelid."   
  
  
  



End file.
